Onion Sports' NFL Week 14 Picks
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2023 NFL Season Preview: AFC

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With the 2023 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis of every team in the AFC.

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Buffalo Bills, AFC East

Buffalo Bills, AFC East

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Strength

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They probably won’t have a guy nearly die on the field again.

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Weakness

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All the talent on the roster will really force the Bills to struggle to get blown out in the playoffs.

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Number Of ‘Love For Damar’ Shirts That Will Be Awkwardly Stuffed In The Back Of A Drawer After The Bills Cut Him Midseason

Number Of ‘Love For Damar’ Shirts That Will Be Awkwardly Stuffed In The Back Of A Drawer After The Bills Cut Him Midseason

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346,192.

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Prediction

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Another division title will propel the Bills into the upper echelon of NFL teams who just can’t get it done.

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Miami Dolphins, AFC East

Miami Dolphins, AFC East

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Strength

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While the secondary lacks top-tier talent, several of the cornerbacks were able to watch game film and identify which plays were passes.

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Weakness

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Quarterback Tua Tagovailoa apparently did jiujitsu training this offseason to learn how to get sacked better, if that gives you an idea of where this team is at.

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Favorite Miami Hot Spot

Favorite Miami Hot Spot

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Hard Rock Stadium.

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Prediction

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Jalen Ramsey’s season-ending injury won’t sink the Dolphins hopes the way Tua Tagovailoa’s upcoming one will.

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New England Patriots, AFC East

New England Patriots, AFC East

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Strength

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The newly signed JuJu Smith-Schuster and Ezekiel Elliott could be huge upgrades to the offense if they end up playing quarterback.

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Weakness

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One sad old man clinging to faded glory is still the biggest upside this franchise has.

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Credit Score

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810.

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Prediction

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The kind of season that will make Patriots fans act like they haven’t won a championship since 1899.

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New York Jets, AFC East

New York Jets, AFC East

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Strength

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Aaron Rodgers’ arrival has the Jets poised for an entirely new era of dysfunction.

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Weakness

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Aaron Rodgers didn’t bring enough magic crystals.

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Player To Watch

Player To Watch

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Aaron Rodgers will bring the Jets to the dazzling heights of repeatedly failing to convert third and short.

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Prediction

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The Jets are getting plenty of Super Bowl hype from people who apparently just became acquainted with the sport of American football in 2023.

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Denver Broncos, AFC West

Denver Broncos, AFC West

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Strength

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Russell Wilson isn’t as marketable as he once was, which might force him to focus on being good at football again.

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Weakness

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The money and trades to acquire both Wilson last year and Sean Payton this year have left the Broncos with only six other players on their roster.

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Player To Watch

Player To Watch

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Quarterback Russell Wilson spent training camp constantly pressuring defensive players to buy his football-shaped bread.

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Prediction

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Russell Wilson gets divorced.

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Kansas City Chiefs, AFC West

Kansas City Chiefs, AFC West

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Strength

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Very good at generating viral content for NFL.com and its social media platforms.

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Weakness

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The allure of the Nelson-Atkins Museum of Art and the Power and Light District continues to be potent distraction for Kansas City players.

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Barbecue Sauce Recipe

Barbecue Sauce Recipe

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Ketchup, yellow mustard, apple cider vinegar, Worcestershire sauce, lemon juice, molasses, honey, hot sauce, dark brown sugar, onion and garlic powder, chili powder, and lemon juice.

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Prediction

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Jackson Mahomes is arrested in November after hitting someone with his car and fleeing the scene.

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Las Vegas Raiders, AFC West

Las Vegas Raiders, AFC West

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Strength

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New quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo provides the team with one entire healthy foot.

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Weakness

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Professional football.

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Player To Watch

Player To Watch

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Popcorn vendor Javier Marin at the section 203 Silver Rush stand could bring some much needed energy and youth to the franchise.

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Prediction

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We know “bad” isn’t really much of a prediction, but how else would you put it?

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Los Angeles Chargers, AFC West

Los Angeles Chargers, AFC West

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Strength

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The Chargers looked great en route to building a 27-0 lead in their January playoff game against the Jaguars.

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Weakness

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Head coach Brandon Staley risks the health of their roster by making them play in meaningless Chargers games.

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Offseason Recap

Offseason Recap

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The Chargers front office spent most of the offseason badgering the NFL to let teams add breasts to their logos for Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

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Prediction

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The offense, defense, and special teams will misfire on all cylinders to help Brandon Staley lose his job.

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Baltimore Ravens, AFC North

Baltimore Ravens, AFC North

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Strength

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One of the best in the league at alienating their star quarterback.

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Weakness

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This generation of Ravens still lacks the toughness and willingness to commit homicide that made previous teams Super Bowl Champions.

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Biggest Offseason Acquisition

Biggest Offseason Acquisition

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Odell Beckham Jr. is here to prove he can’t stay healthy.

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Prediction

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Lamar Jackson’s new offensive weapons will truly shine when helping the injured quarterback off the field.

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Cincinnati Bengals, AFC North

Cincinnati Bengals, AFC North

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Strength

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Joe Burrow is a franchise QB, although unfortunately that franchise is Cincinnati.

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Weakness

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Offensive line endlessly entertained by watching Joe Burrow frantically scramble for his life.

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Roster Construction

Roster Construction

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The coaches realized last week that they forgot to fill a whole position but for the life of them can’t remember which one.

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Prediction

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The Bengals quit the NFL and rebrand as a luxury sportswear line.

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Cleveland Browns, AFC North

Cleveland Browns, AFC North

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Strength

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Quarterback Deshaun Watson is back and ready for a full 16-game suspension.

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Weakness

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Team overinvested draft capital and salary cap on criminals.

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Are Still The Browns

Are Still The Browns

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Yes.

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Prediction

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Deshaun Watson will lead the NFL this season with a 10-to-15-year conviction.

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Pittsburgh Steelers, AFC North

Pittsburgh Steelers, AFC North

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Strength

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Wideout George Pickens looks primed for a breakout campaign just as soon as he gets on a team with a good quarterback.

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Weakness

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Second-year quarterback Kenny Pickett has a long way to go before he can replicate the impact of Ben Roethlisberger, having racked up zero rapes in his first season.

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Roster

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The Steelers are a young and hungry team, which is the coward’s way of saying “not that good yet.”

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Prediction

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Terry Bradshaw blanks out on what team he used to play for on live television.

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Houston Texans, AFC South

Houston Texans, AFC South

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Strength

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Get to play in NFL with real teams.

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Weakness

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New head coach DeMeco Ryans could struggle to be white enough.

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Biggest Question

Biggest Question

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Will 86-year-old owner Janice McNair accidentally sell the team after being tricked by phone scammers?

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Prediction

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New coach DeMeco Ryans is being described as a great “culture hire,” so you know he’ll be gone in two years.

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Indianapolis Colts, AFC South

Indianapolis Colts, AFC South

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Strength

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Every once in a while Peyton Manning stops by the Colts’ facilities.

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Weakness

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Really bad cat allergies.

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Amount Of Time Indianapolis Sportswriters Will Give Anthony Richardson Before Screaming That He Should Be Benched

Amount Of Time Indianapolis Sportswriters Will Give Anthony Richardson Before Screaming That He Should Be Benched

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Two plays.

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Prediction

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Owner Jim Irsay strikes a splashy deadline deal for two ounces of pure Peruvian coke.

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Jacksonville Jaguars, AFC South

Jacksonville Jaguars, AFC South

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Strength

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Trevor Lawrence is good enough to remind everyone watching that they were once that young and promising too, and somehow ended up like this.

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Weakness

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QB Trevor Lawrence could struggle to focus on football and not his beautiful long hair.

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Key Acquisition

Key Acquisition

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Wideout Calvin Ridley can help school the team’s younger players in gambling strategies.

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Prediction

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Trevor Lawrence will stay late at the Jaguars showering facilities working in the conditioner.

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Tennessee Titans, AFC South

Tennessee Titans, AFC South

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Strength

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The team’s awful defense will help keep star running back Derrick Henry on the field.

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Weakness

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Head coach Mike Vrabel’s terrifying nightly visits from Bill Belichick, who stands there staring through his bedroom window.

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Key Offseason Acquisition

Key Offseason Acquisition

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DeAndre Hopkins turned down other offers for the chance to work with the immortal Ryan Tannehill.

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Prediction

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Titans coach Mike Vrabel will have this hard-hitting physical team ready for the playoffs with chicken wings, pizza, and large comfy couches.

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