Understanding Your Gifted Child

Is my son or daughter gifted?

Some parents believe they may be raising a gifted child because mom or dad is also very smart/artistic/athletic or there is giftedness in the extended family. Or parents may consider that their son or daughter is remarkably advanced compared to other children of the same age. Indeed, these thoughtful parents could be correct and their child could be gifted.

Aware parents report that the energy and curiosity of their child are amazing and a little daunting. So many parents have said to me, “My son or daughter is always into exploring everything or relentlessly asking questions nonstop. I have begun to consider and question my child's normality. My nieces and nephews are calmer and easier to settle down.” But in spite of, or because of, all of the cues of quickness and high ability beyond the child’s chronological age, parents are sometimes not sure “how to deal with” their complicated and intense child.

Establishing with certainty in your own mind that “I have a gifted child” is a good first step. After (hopefully) reading about giftedness and learning what the experts have to say about raising gifted kids, finally, parents can truly believe that they are raising an exceptional child. Unfortunately, but very often, some parents develop an attitude that they can or should have higher expectations for their child. Mom and dad may then go in the wrong direction and pressure their child to do better and better. Parents often don't fully understand the highly negative effects of pressure on the perfectionistic personality of a gifted child or teenager.

Nontrained friends and family give unsolicited advice that can be helpful or may be just plain wrong. For example, uneducated advisers tell parents that all gifted children read early. The early reader as a stereotype is absolutely untrue and harmful. Some gifted children do read early. And other precocious kids read late. Late readers are usually highly perfectionistic and believe that reading is magic, and they do not think they need to “learn to” read. I had this late reader issue with my daughter but not my son, who read very early.

One important way that parents could decide if they have a gifted child would be to understand the behavioral characteristics of giftedness in young people. Some of the following characteristics are typical of children whose IQ falls within the gifted range:

1. An Early and Enduring Passion for Communication

Often, the desire for communication is seen in very young children as a need to be talked with, sung to, and played with by mom or dad or the nanny or grandparents. As very smart children get older, they cannot stop talking or are very particular that the adults in their life understand them. Gifted children seem to have a strong desire to be understood.

2. A Remarkable Capacity for Concentration

Gifted kids can be infuriating because they get so involved when they are reading books, playing games on the computer, building with Legos, watering the vegetable garden, making sand castles, or talking on the phone that you cannot get them to come in for dinner. It is not that they are not listening to you; they are fascinated with what they are concentrating on and literally unable to stop. Getting them to cooperate with you when they are in this state of mind is very difficult.

3. Persistence in Pursuing a Task

Giving up is not in the gifted child's vocabulary, which is motivating/motivational if the task is kept in perspective by the child and any other supporters such as parents.

For example, if a 4-year-old wants to learn to write, they will have a hard time understanding why it is not in their skill level (why it is difficult to make the letters of the alphabet at first). A fat pen can help, as well as lowering expectations and just convincing them that in time they will do better.

4. Emotional Intensity

Being calm can be hard for bright children because, as smart as they are, that is how sensitive they are to joy, anger, sadness, or loss. The depth of their emotions is more likely to be seen in adults rather than in the child’s age-group peers. The drama of the disappointment of losing an audition for a dance concert or musical is truly remarkable. As gifted kids evolve into teenagers, a forgotten phone call from a boyfriend can be like the end of the world. Emotional intensity is very apparent and hard to get under control.

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5. Perfectionism

Making a mistake or having the unshakeable belief that they should be doing better on whatever they want to do is very difficult for precocious children. Temper tantrums and very dramatic episodes are common when their work or friendships end badly. For example, Sonya does not get the part that she wants in the school play. Sonya has an enormous amount of self-criticism about her audition that everyone in the house is subjected to. What went wrong is analyzed and re-analyzed, and not in a productive way. It’s a life lesson, or it could be if the emotional turmoil were more gentle.

6. Anxiety Over Separation in New Situations

Most likely, separation anxiety is related to perfectionism and not knowing how to do the best in a new situation. For gifted kids, the unfamiliar is very scary. Teaching confidence is hard to do if your gifted child is a high achiever.

7. Learning Highs and Lows―Asynchronous Development

Trying and not succeeding instantly at a new activity may create a regression in the confidence level of a gifted kid. Or when a learning situation is easy, it can be remarkably easy—too easy. But finding a path through a new and difficult situation (the unexplored world) can seem impossible. This phenomenon is solved by breaking down difficult learning problems into small steps and showing the learner that they can do it. Parents with gifted children are hopefully very familiar with this learning strategy.

8. Issues With Overachievement or Underachievement

Trying too hard or not trying at all are common side effects of perfectionism. The “all-or-nothing” approach to good grades and school success is very common to gifted kids of all ages. Like all issues, the sooner you don’t ignore it/pretend it is not happening, the better. Talking with your child in great detail about how much effort a task really takes (or might take) and what achieving the goal means to the child may alleviate problems/issues now and in the future.

9. Socialization Issues

Gifted kids tend to have a preference for older friends who understand them better, unlike younger friends who just want to play. Often times or most of the time, gifted children feel awkward with children who can’t understand or are not interested in their complex ideas. Trying to find friends for your child based on shared ideas/interests is very helpful.

10. The Ability to Act Older Than Their Chronological Age

This is a popular definition of giftedness. A gifted child seems older/wiser/smarter/better than his or her chronological age. It is an easy way for parents to identify specific talents in their children.

11. The Belief That She or He Is Smarter Than Mom and Dad

Some gifted children are so overconfident because learning is so easy for them. In addition, they have been told over and over how smart they are and take advantage of praise from other adults to get their way with their parents. I would suggest that parental experience may be as important as intellectual ability. Parents need to attain and exert their authority. It is OK to be the parent.

12. Introspection About the Meaning of Life

Questioning deep issues is a reflection of the gifted child’s ability to think deeply about life. Don't tell a child they are too young to ask such questions, because they are not too young! Ask yourself, “Do I know the answer?” It is OK not to know something.

Behavior Characteristics of Parents of Gifted Children

Like their children, gifted kids’ parents share the following behaviors: They tend to be very ambitious for their children. Often, they are isolated from other mothers and fathers with gifted children because giftedness is a rare occurrence. Overinvolved and overidentified with their children, the father and mother have a hard time knowing when they have done enough as a parent. Panic-driven about getting everything right for their child, a sense of perspective is easily lost.

Conclusions

Hard to raise and rare, gifted children need special attention to their unique characteristics. Try to get help from good educational and psychological experts when planning educational opportunities. Seek out advice, counseling, or therapy if your child is unhappy, lonely, or underachieving.