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New Ford F-450 Comes With Shotgun In Case Truck Doesn’t Kill Pedestrian On Impact

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DEARBORN, MI—Touting the new model’s power, toughness, and ability to ‘get the job done,’ the Ford Motor Co. began production Thursday on its 2023 F-450 pickup, which reportedly comes equipped with a shotgun as a standard feature in case the truck fails to kill a pedestrian on impact. “When you’re behind the wheel of a 4-ton vehicle with a 475-horsepower engine, a collision should instantly kill anyone you encounter traveling on foot, but in the unlikely event it doesn’t, we’ve included a double-barrel 12-gauge to finish them off,” said Ford executive Dan Travers, explaining the ease with which a driver could pull the gun off the rack to aim into the face of a critically injured person who attempted to cross the street in front of the new F-450. “Our engineers realized this was an essential precaution for a worst-case scenario in which the individual you hit is still desperately clinging to life. The shotgun comes fully loaded, so it’s easy to put crumpled, bleeding pedestrians out of their misery for good—whether it’s single adult, a child, or a family of four. In the past, drivers have been forced to keep hitting people with their pickup over and over again to make sure they were dead, but now we’ve found a way to avoid causing any additional damage to the truck.” At press time, J.D. Power and Associates cited the new feature as its basis for naming the F-450 the most lethal vehicle in its class.