Here we go again. Sequels never quite live up to the magic of the first movie, but at least with the second wave of coronavirus restrictions we kind of know what we’re getting. We all carry the experience of the long lockdown earlier this year – indelible traces of it still in everything we do now, like the rings within the trunk of a fallen redwood.
Back then we more or less embraced the government’s measures en masse, but we’re now living in a splintered community. Believers and non-believers; law-abiders and rule-breakers; the ones who’ve had it and those who haven’t; and, bluntly, the survivors and the dead – and the people they’ve left behind. Slogans have changed, ideologies have shifted, rules have bungeed from strict to lax and back again several times, and we head into winter with almost as many uncertainties as before, with just as many lessons still unlearned. It’s not going to be easy, and the virus is still invisible and deadly. But, if there’s one thing we can control, it’s our potential to act like a dick. Nobody wants to be the pandemic prick – although plenty of broadcasters, entertainers and dudes who always come second-last in the pub quiz have been giving it a go. Read on to learn the pandemic character traits that are best to avoid.
Don’t get blasé
You lived! You made it to the next level! Congratulations. However, you should still act like you have it. Think of the virus as cigarette smoke billowing out of everyone’s mouths. Keep social distancing, wear your mask where you’re supposed to, sanitise. If you think you’ve already had it, be mindful you may still be contagious, or not immune to getting it again. Things start to fall apart when people assume this is nothing to do with them, that things don’t apply; stick to the rules as best you can, even if pals or relatives are willing to break them. There’s still so little we know about this virus and its long-term effects. A dick assumes the worst is over; a good man assumes nothing.
Stop looking for loopholes
Communication of the myriad rule changes has been confusing at best – some of it may as well have been broadcast to the nation over string dangling between two yoghurt pots. But looking for loopholes, examining guidelines for technicalities, then bending the rules to a level that would severely test your schoolboy shatterproof ruler isn’t helpful – it’s a dick move. Should the advice be clear and comprehensive? Yes. Does this mean it’s time to stick it to the man and get forensic over just how many people you can get round a table in your local? No. Your friendly neighbourhood bar staff are not here for your sixth-form debating techniques; you’re not Poirot trying to work out who the killer is. You’re just some dick who’s making everyone edgy.
Wear a mask
This is important. Research shows it can help prevent infection or the severity of the virus should you become ill. Aside from proven medical benefits, they also act as a reassurance. They show others you’re on board, that you care about others, and are considerate and sympathetic. The headline-grabbing conspiracy theories and anti-masking movement may be compelling, but their message is confused and inconsistent, and one thing you can be sure of is they do not care about you. Oh, and it goes over your mouth and nose – your nostrils are pretty but we don’t need to see them.
Resist conspiracy theorists and celebrities with agendas
Don’t assume anyone with a mass following carries any more credibility in the great pandemic-inspired race to the bottom. Almost as deadly as the virus is the spread of online bullshit. We’re pressure cookers of anxiety with severe trust issues, we search for release, caving into the dopamine hit of social media. The lack of mass extinction has emboldened Covid deniers, conspiracy theorists, opportunists and mouthy celebrities with spurious concerns and muddled agendas. We can quite confidently say the current administration’s organisational skills don’t lend themselves particularly well to the idea that they’re masterminding a malevolent plot to vaccinate us into submission. That’s not to say governments shouldn’t be held to account, that we mustn’t ask questions about the implications on our civil liberties – we should – but if anything, airy conspiracy theories only detract from constructive, targeted criticism that can actually expose incompetence.
Ask yourself what’s in it for these arbiters of panic. You’ll notice they demand to be heard but seldom listen. If no material gain is immediately obvious, it’s a grab for attention. Although largely lacking in value, never underestimate the pleasure a true dickhead gets from a sustained spotlight. And your attention is the energy source. Cut the power, in every sense. If you find yourself with a rapt following of your own, save your posts as drafts, then do something else for five minutes. You won’t believe what a dickhead “Past You” sounded in the heat of the moment.
Post responsibly
Great that you managed to get away on holiday. Wonderful to see you catch up with friends. Not so marvellous to see you doing zero social distancing, or flouting every rule, or bragging you’ve had an amazing lockdown, never felt better, and actually enjoyed slowing things down a touch. Reckon we can all get through this with positive energy? Excellent, except… a lot happened this summer and the pandemic hasn’t been one long holistic retreat for everyone. Racism, trans issues, domestic violence, money worries, job instability, mental health problems, long-term health conditions – none of this has gone away, much of it has got worse. For many, catching a virus is one of a lengthy list of worries – an added extra nobody ordered. There’s a lot to be said for escapism or carrying on as normal, and it’s not about staying silent; we should all do what we can to look after ourselves, be that posing in different looks or posting videos of our dogs. I wish you all a “lovely” second wave, but your inspirational quotes are not a vaccine.
Beware demonisation of ordinary people
Shaming others into behaving better can be the bedrock of much activism, but it’s important not to turn into an amateur corona-cop. Take a moment before overreacting. Someone not wearing a mask may have a good reason, ask yourself whether grassing on neighbours is worth the hell it can cause. That grasping influencer who thinks it’s all about them – is it really worth going ape in their comments? There are bad people everywhere and you are very likely someone’s bogeyman so ease off judging others too harshly and instead self-regulate, and hope to lead by example. We’re all living in our own private hells, moving at our own pace, and few of us know what’s coming next. Give empathy a go. And stop filming people, for God’s sake.
Avoid generational warfare
It’s easier to believe that someone else, belonging to another generation, is making things worse and should be locked away indefinitely so you can go about your daily business. The good news is there’s a dick born every minute, so each generation has a limitless supply. No rise in cases happens in isolation – it’s never “just” young people having wild parties, same as it is never “just” old folk stubbornly carrying on regardless. Only a dick fails to acknowledge the part we all play in stemming the rise, that we’re no more entitled to freedom than anyone else. If you’re cheering on students being locked up in halls, or people over 65 being mothballed indefinitely, then perhaps you are a dick and should self-isolate in case your sickishness is contagious.
No supermarket sweeping
How much toilet roll do you actually need? While we’re on the subject, posting a photo online of empty supermarket shelves is not reportage from the frontline, but just the actions of a dick trying to whip up panic among his… hang on, let me just check… 34 followers.
Don’t hook up
It’s not a good idea. But if you’re tempted… here are some things you should know.
Be there for others
We’re all sick of Zoom quizzes and video calls that could’ve been a text. But for some of us these snatches of face-to-face, albeit digitally, make all the difference. This has been going on a long time and we’ve even farther to go; only a dick would centre themselves and underestimate the benefits of human contact. Exception: insecure managers insisting on continual video meetings because they miss the tumescent buzz of staring out across the office floor at their long-suffering minions.
Be kind to customer service staff
Whether they’re driving your bus, scanning your shopping, dropping off your chilli chicken ramen or taking your call, remember they’re living in the middle of a pandemic too. Take it from a man who worked in McDonald’s in his younger days, customer-facing roles are hard enough – save your pandemic anger for your Insta stories (which you should now delete immediately).
This is the weirdest time, like we’re stuck in a glitching simulation and there’s no progress bar to reassure us it’s nearly over. Be good to yourself, but watch out for early signs of dickery. We may never go back to how we were, but we’ll still be us. Just as long as we’re not dicks.
How to survive working from home with your partner
How to survive (and escape) your WhatsApp group chats
How to celebrate Valentine's Day without being cheap or tacky
