How to Forgive Yourself
Plus, 13 actionable ways to facilitate internal forgiveness.
Finding peace within yourselves is easier said than done. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of or wished our actions led to different outcomes. Maybe you spent half the month’s food budget on a new coat or you didn’t get to your son’s soccer match before the second half, whatever the situation, figuring out how to forgive yourself is key to moving forward.
To make things even more complicated, forgiveness, even of one’s self, doesn’t happen overnight. “Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and it’s okay to have feelings such as guilt or shame,” says Heather Hagen, M.S., L.M.F.T., Director of Clinical Program Development for Newport Healthcare. “Take care of yourself, both physically and mentally, as forgiving yourself won’t happen overnight and may take time.”
Psychologist Fred Luskin, Ph.D., director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, has spent years conducting studies and workshops on forgiveness, working with men who’ve cheated on their wives, kids who’ve dumped their parents, and a whole lot worse. But the biggest obstacle to self-forgiveness is our tendency to wallow in our own guilt, he told Prevention. “It’s not just that we feel bad because we know we've done wrong,” Luskin explains. Everybody does that. But some of us actually draw those bad feelings around ourselves like a blanket, cover our heads, and refuse to stop the wailing.
If that sounds odd to you, you’re not alone. But some of us try to use those bad feelings like a talisman to ward off the consequences of our actions, says Luskin. We curl up in a ball and say, “Hey! Look how bad I feel! See how I’m suffering! I’m pitiful! I’m pathetic! I can’t be punished any more than this; it wouldn’t be fair!”
It’s a “form of penance,” adds Luskin. Instead of taking responsibility for what we’ve done by trying to repair the damage or make things right, many of us unconsciously decide to punish ourselves by feeling miserable for the rest of our lives.
And to make matters even worse, misery loves company. “If you keep beating yourself up, then the person who tries to love you is going to get beat up, too,” explains Luskin. It’s inevitable. Anyone who’s wallowing in guilt is going to be more withdrawn, more critical, and less open than they normally would. So whoever’s around—your spouse, your children, your parents, your friends, even your dog—is going to suffer right along with you.
But the suffering doesn’t stop with those around you. Mind affects body in a zillion interconnecting ways, and those guilty feelings you’re nurturing are generating chemicals that are headed straight for your vital organs. It's no wonder that studies on forgiveness have led scientists to suspect that those who have difficulty forgiving are more likely to experience heart attacks, high blood pressure, depression, and other ills.
“Forgiveness is a tool with which we face what we’ve done in the past, acknowledge our mistakes, and move on. It does not mean that you condone or excuse what happened. It does not mean that you forget,” says Luskin. “There’s a season for our suffering and regret. We have to have that. But the season ends; the world moves on. And we need to move on with it.”
Here are 13 ways to find self-forgiveness—no matter the circumstances.
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