Conservatives React To The Mar-A-Lago Raid

“Fuck him. I got my judges.”

“This is exactly what happened in Nazi Germany to the Nazis.”

“Law enforcement good…but raid bad… Trump good… Jim don’t understand… Jim angry!

“What’s next? The FBI raids my house? I come out with my hands up, wearing nothing but a towel? The agents asks if my wife is home. I say no, I was just showering. I drop my towel, and it falls around my ankles. Their eyes widen. We run at each other. For hours, we make sweaty, steamy, passionate love, and then we collapse to the floor. They arrest me. We long for each other for months, until we lock eyes again in court. They shed a tear as I’m carted off to jail. Is that what you want? Is it?”

“Who did what now? Sorry, I’m pretty burnt out, to be honest. No one tells you that being a pawn in an evil empire takes so much work.”

“Thank God they did the raid. Trump took me from the White House and had me stashed in that safe for years.”

“Damn it. And to imagine I was mere hours away from rolling out our new slogan, ‘Florida: The Only State Where the FBI Wouldn’t Dare Raid Your Home for Stolen Documents.’”

“The FBI has strayed so far from the agency’s original mission to kill civil rights leaders.”

“Oh, so let me guess—having a little classified White House information gets you canceled now?”

“This is horrific, but unsurprising. Remember, Jesus had His Florida resort raided by the American government, too.”

“I don’t understand. Dad said he sold Mar-a-Lago, and that’s why I couldn’t have my birthday party there.”

“It’s appalling that the FBI is going after former president Donald Trump yet completely ignoring former president Hunter Biden.”

“I am going to spank the FBI.”

“If Trump can get investigated, then by that logic, that implies our country has laws and when those laws are broken, there are consequences. What kind of hell are we living in?”

“Sure, the FBI raids Mar-a-Lago, but what about all the other issues that I say are more important in order to distract from the topic at hand?”

“…and the primary function of law enforcement agencies isn’t to prevent or solve crime…it’s to maintain the status quo in order to protect the interests of the ruling oligarchy…”

“Hoo doggy, imagine the shit they’d find in my house.”

“This type of terrifying stuff only happens in brown people countries. But this is a white people country.”

“This is not how the nation was taught to treat our elderly plutocrats.”

“I am going to shoot the next law enforcement officer I see point-blank in the skull.”