4 Ways Childhood Invalidation Can Damage Adult Relationships

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Everyone has basic human needs. These needs include feeling a sense of safety, trust, and consistency with those in our lives and within our environment. Yet for many, safety needs are compromised in childhood by unpredictable, hostile, or unreliable caregivers who are dismissive, abusive, or negligent.

Emotionally unavailable parents may be physically present but emotionally detached, or they may be physically absent and unavailable emotionally for their children. They may interact only when required to or may be punitive, angry, or dismissive of their child’s needs.

The level and intensity of parental emotional unavailability are often proportionate to the level and intensity of a child feeling invalidated, unseen, and unheard.

Caregivers who are emotionally detached or emotionally immature cannot provide a sense of stability, emotional support, or consistency for their child, which leaves the child’s basic safety needs compromised. As the child grows, these developmental “holes” in their sense of safety often show up in their adult romantic relationships in dysfunctional, yet predictable ways.

Four common ways that childhood emotional invalidation can affect a person's adult relationships include the following:

1. Impulsivity Is Seen as “Exciting”

Impulsivity is not the same thing as spontaneity. When a child witnesses their caregiver acting impulsively, it often walks hand-in-hand with the caregiver's aggression, rage, emotional instability, and self-serving behavior. As an adult, this type of modeling and conditioning from childhood can generalize to impulsive and self-destructive choices in relationships.

For example, a person may impulsively discard a relationship if a fear of abandonment is triggered, or may have a history of using infidelity to control or “punish” their partner. Similarly, they may have patterns that resonate with pathological behaviors linked to so-called "love addiction," where it may be difficult for them to be without a relationship, even if the relationship has proven to be toxic or dangerous.

In these situations, impulsive behavior is seen as self-protective to prevent feeling abandoned. Yet it's this type of impulsivity that damages a person's ability to be emotionally present, or to develop emotional maturity and accountability for their choices, keeping them chained to this type of pattern.

2. Unpredictability Is Seen as “Normal”

Children thrive in predictable environments and in knowing their caregivers are emotionally consistent and reliable. However, if unpredictability is learned in childhood, it can generalize in a person’s adult life as choosing romantic partners who are inconsistent, or who say one thing while doing another.

For example, a person may attract partners where their romantic relationships are identified as having high levels of conflict, arguments, or other unpredictable situations. Instead of seeing this as an unsafe situation, many who grew up in chaos find this pattern to be “comfortable” in their romantic relationships.

Their relationships are often riddled with high levels of emotional instability. Partners may not want to repair the relationship after an argument out of fears of the unknown or because they’ve learned to pair romantic relationships with emotional intensity and unpredictability.

3. Toxic Relationships Are Chosen as “Comfortable”

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A hard truth is that a person’s adult romantic relationships are often imitations of what was modeled for them in childhood. These patterns become their default adaptations in how they relate to others, what they see as comfortable, and what types of relationships they are unconsciously attracted to.

For example, if a child grew up where chaos was common, they may feel comfortable around predatory, emotionally unavailable, unfaithful, or narcissistic partners who use them because such behavior resonates with what was learned as comfortable in their childhood. Others may turn to relationships that are superficial, shallow, or do not require any emotional investment as “safe” choices, even when it perpetuates their feeling unseen or unheard.

4. Self-Betrayal Feels “Familiar”

On one hand, parental invalidation in childhood may cause a child to develop a sense of pseudo-independence where they do not turn to anyone for help, support, or guidance, even when necessary. On the other hand, not having their parents’ guidance and support through these developmental stages often leads to a pattern of self-betrayal in their adult lives.

For example, if a child has been conditioned to rely on themselves, as an adult, they may not recognize their own emotional or safety needs that are lacking, which puts them at a greater risk of attracting toxic, abusive, or narcissistic relationships, perpetuating a cycle of self-betrayal where their needs continue going unmet. Many who find themselves in this pattern also express higher levels of "people-pleasing" or "fawning" behaviors that resonate with self-betrayal.

Healing from the Pattern

For a person to heal from not having had their basic safety needs met in childhood, a first step is to recognize where these developmental gaps are in their life, and how these "holes" may be affecting their relationships or their choices in partners. This often includes speaking to a trained clinician who specializes in relational trauma and who can provide assistance on the importance of feeling safe, seen, and heard in our romantic relationships. Equally important is that a person is provided with both adaptive skills and actionable tools that help foster their healing.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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