We got a weird email today from Benny’s computer. I don’t know who sent it or why you’re messing with us, but I’m done with this Shuffler nonsense. It’s not funny anymore. These are missing people.  Real lives. There was an attachment. I’m posting it here only because I want to demonstrate how far this hoax has gone, but I warn you - it’s a waste of time and energy. I already found something hidden in it and I’m sure some of you will do the same. If you want to follow the trail, who am I to tell you no?  Just keep in mind tinfoil hattery is exactly why this country is split right down the middle. Stop falling for diversions and focus on fact. The Shuffler is anything BUT fact.

Seema used to go to these tunnels to do her art. I miss you, girl.

P.S. Happy Birthday, Wrench. I baked you a cake, but you hijacked my account. If you don’t mind eating off the pavement, there’s probably some left outside. You may have to battle the raccoons.

I am sick and tired of being labeled a group of hipsters. Just being young(ish) and standing up for your freedom does *not* make you a hipster. Sure, we like coffee. Who doesn’t like coffee? Yeah, we liked a lot of cool things before they were cool, too – that’s because we’re cultured, not because we’re trendy. I dare you to insult steampunk. Just try it. 

Hipsters sign petitions, but we sign our names on our future targets… a declaration of war. Do we picket? Sometimes, but only as a distraction. I care about what I wear. This is my image. This is me. If you think it’s ugly, it’s because you’re a moron, not because I’m making some ironic statement about ugly clothing. My gear is godlike. Do you see us wearing skinny jeans? Well, most of us don’t wear skinny jeans. And I’m sure when Marcus wears skinny jeans, he’s doing it ironically. You know what—Marcus may actually be a hipster, even though he denies it. Is there a support group?  

DedSec - I need to take a minute to tell you how much you amaze me. Look at us. Look at how far we’ve come. We have to keep this going because we are giving people permission to rebel without fear of retaliation and they are taking it. Our system is controlled by people who do whatever they can, pay whatever it takes, to punish dissent and keep their machines running. But you know what – we’ve accomplished more operations than any other hacking group in history (unless you count the government spooks). Let that sink in. We’ve had many losses. Many leads that didn’t quite pan out. Disappointments. But that’s OK because we are winning this fight. The people are waking up and coming to us with their own ideas for operations, volunteering time and resources, and promoting us. So let’s stay on target. Let’s not collapse under the weight of our fame. Let’s keep juggling those plates. Let’s choose NOT to be stupid and ruin what we have. I love you guys.

Speaking of stupid, let’s talk about Wrench. Et Tu, Josh. The two of them thought it would be hilarious to wreck my blog and fill it with useless Shuffler nonsense. Well Karma’s a b… eauty. I have locked Josh’s operating system language to French for the time being. He may try to reinstall, but I replaced his backups with the Spanish version. Wrench has no idea the code for his mask’s emoticons has been modified to show 100% googly eyes 100% of the time. He has a date with a waitress later. LOL.

It’s WRENCH again. Sitara told me to stop logging into her account, so Hawt Sauce offered to HELP ME lock her out to deliver some major news. No doubt I AM IN major trouble with the boss-lady and she’s working hard as HELL to get back in, so time is severely limited here. By the way, she keeps making fun of my use of caps, but that’s making fun of my self-expression. Shame on her. And ShE caN’t stand it when they are maDe compleTely random.  Confession time: it tickles tHE old wigglies when she goes into PSYCHotIC rage mode. But hey, At LeAsT I DoN’t AlTeRnAtE eVeRy LeTtEr LiKe I dId In HiGh ScHoOl! OUCH, right?

Onto serious business! I’ve been digging into TONS of research about our local SHUFFLER legend and I’ve mapped it all out scientifically for you. Without further doo-doo, here’s it is in all its TENTACLEd Splendor:

What are those numbers? I’m glad you asked. They are SCIENCE. Pull up a desk and I will educate your brain.  (1) People claim to have seen its face. I have seen PAINTINGS of it. Graffiti. But this is not its face. It’s a dimensional probe, flat so it can slip through the TIMESPACEFOLDS. It has sensory organs on it to report back DATA. (2) Since it is preoccupied with dimensional travel, it must have some kind of badass defensive system. I went with BLOWFISH spikes because spikes > ALL. (3)  It must have tentacles. SCIENCE demands it. (4) I spent a lot of time in a lot of books trying to figure out why it makes shuffling noises. It turns out animals with a lot of wiGGly things probably shuffle. SCIENCE. I call them shufflation appendagery. (5) If Spielberg taught us anything, it’s that other dimensions produce a kind of SLIME-WOMB barrier that leaves you SOAKED when you come back out. The shuffler probably has dimensional PARASITES that eat it all up after he’s back from travel. It’s very likely some of them followed it through when it probed, so I’m watching for them. 

I realize there may be some flaws in my theory, but it’s got to be CLOSe, right? I’ll probably get this thing INKED on my lower back. Maybe have the guy clean up the design a little. UH OH. That sounds a LOT like Sitara’s motorcycle outside. GOTTA RUN. If you have ideas on Shuffler anatomy, please share them with us. EXPECT RADIO SILENCE, BUT STAY SHUFFLIN’.

You know, even though the Shuffler is WITHOUT A SINGLE POSSIBLE DOUBT, ONE-HUNNARD-PERCENT real, I like to keep a healthy skepticism before I get excited about things. That’s just who I am.  But you guys were RIGHT. I can hear BENNY in the ambient sounds of idle machinery. But hey—healthy SKEPTICISM… Josh has given me a cleaned up file of some audio that was running on another frequency next to Benny’s laptop to share with you guys.

Here >> http://bit.ly/AudioSitaraTumblr

YOU DECIDE. Get to work, people. I’m going to go start building my own PROTON PACK!

SHUFFLITES, you never cease to AMAZE! It’s fan-FREAKIN-tastic to get this kind of DedSec support (EpicStreamMan, I’m lookin’ at you! BTW, I always read that as EPIC STEAM MAN which is even more epic). We know this isn’t a hoax, and we’re going to PROVE it.  Once we do—we’ll… lock ourselves up in padded rooms and wish to BAJEEBUS we were wrong. ANYWAYS. The TRUTH is everything!

INinja_DragonI has been talking to Benny… from the OTHER DIMENSION. Yes, Benny. WE HEAR YOU LOUD AND CLEAR. But now what?! Skauron’s been hearing Benny around the hackerspace, which is both terrifying and completely terrifying. Also a lead. Does anybody have a spirit board? Josh and I are going to PROBE these noise, but we could use some help. I know Lumi’s on the case with her VERY PARTICULAR SET OF SKILLS.

KlockoBL has been finding some suspiciously named files out there using a hex editor. Something about a PORTAL. This is HUGE. Was this part of the original investigation before our TRAGIC TEENS were swallowed up? Is this portal their way out? Or our way IN? He seems to think it’s related to a specific time. This COMPLETELY lines up with my own research – Shuffler activity goes NUCKING FUTS in the early spring months with most documented disappearances in APRIL. Let’s hope KLOCK0 lives up to his name and figures out a timeline here.

We’ve got DizzyDave studying those WHACKED OUT symbols people keep finding. Will he crack the code?

Legend has it this thing does NOT take kindly to people snooping, so if you hear SHUFFLING, run. And stay away from cracks. In the walls. In the sidewalk. Loan your plumber a belt, because it’s NOT worth the risk, people!!!

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PEOPLe!!! We have entered FULL ANIMAL FARM. Like all posts are EQUAL but some are MORE EQUAL than others. Sitara’s gone full FASCIST mode to remove the truth about the Shuffler. She’s even DELETING or EDITING posts from people trying to seek the truth. Is she in CAHOOTS with the Shuffler?! I’m staring at her right now. She’s staring back like she KNOWS. My fellow Shufflites… do not let her silence us. Keep posting. We’ll find the TRUTH even if she thinks it’s a waste of DEDSEC’s time and energy… or if she’s already LOST HER AUTONOMY to the Shuffler’s pandimensional mental assault and is secretly plotting our doom. The look on her face right now tells me I may be the first VICTIM. Keep me in your PRAYERS AND/OR PAGAN RITUALS. WRENCH OUT.

Sitara, here. You can probably tell since I don’t capitalize half of every other word, unlike some people (cough-Wrench-cough).

As Wrench so thoughtfully reminded me, there’s a ton of BS out there on the web pretending to be news when it isn’t. It’s made up to con you. Let’s talk about how to tell a fake news story from a real one, okay?

Here are the top 3 reasons people post fake news:

1. They’re selling something. 

A research group that’s paid for by a cigarette company has a conflicting interest in not saying anything bad about cigarettes. Nudle saying their smart cars are awesome isn’t reliable—it’s not like they’re going to say their own product sucks. A TV station is really unlikely to criticize their major investor.

2. It gets them ratings or traffic, which means influence. 

News outlets will sensationalize things (like this Shuffler BS) because they know it gets them clicks, and those clicks matter to the advertisers who buy space on their pages. Websites will post insane articles about celebrities to increase their traffic.

3. For shits and giggles. ‘Cause some people are just trolls. 

Yeah, that one’s pretty self-explanatory.

I can’t emphasize this enough—do your research! We don’t go into an op half-cocked (not if we can help it). You shouldn’t make major decisions without knowing the facts. So check if someone else is saying the same thing. If it’s WKZ, take it with a grain of salt. We already know they’ll take money to kill a story. But, if it’s WKZ and the local radio station, and the Valley newspaper, and a Stanford researcher… better chance it’s real. Because we’ve got a bunch of different independent sources saying it. This isn’t foolproof, but it’s a good test.

What I’m saying is, don’t just believe something because everybody in your friends’ feed links it.

THE SHUFFLER IS REAL! Don’t let Sitara FOOL you.

(Hi kiddies, this is your friendly neighborhood HANDSOME-PYROMANIAc-gENIUS, WRENCH!)

Okay. Sitara told you all about Benny, right? College kid. SMART. Bit of a doofus. All around great DedSec member. He disappeared. DISAPPEARED! And so did his BEST BUDDIES. Him and three other kids. The Shuffler 4.

I KNOW he was looking into the Shuffler when he disappeared. He was KEEPINg NOTES and making MAPS of the CITY and s @#$. We STILL have his computer with some of his files. Kid encrypted them pretty good, but I’m SURE we’ll find some INTERESTING s@#$ in there.

Some people are saying it’s just a bunch of flakey kids RUNNING AWAY and they’ll show up again. Well, they WON’T. Not unless we find them! I mean, shit. Even THEIR FAMILIES are GIVING UP on them now. We went to Benny’s FUNERAL. They didn’t even have a body!

The TRUTH is out there, and we’re gonna FIND IT.