The dark side of recycling. And some other jibberish.
Pranksters, I heart you so much that my cold black heart has grown nearly thirty times it’s normal size. I hope it stays that way. I woke up to like 900 Facebook thingies and a bunch of tweets and YOU GUYS, *wipes tears* I’M NOT WORTHY.
Now I have to confess that my birthday is cursed because I ended up back on Vicodin and Prednisone (it’s a very boring story, actually) which makes me TOTALLY all ‘THIS IS MOTHERFUCKING BAT COUNTRY’ so I’m pretty sure I’ll be beating people with a banana all weekend.
Good damn thing The Internet is closed over the weekend. Heh.
Thankfully I have a guest post today so you’re avoiding me being all, “I HATE MOTHERFUCKING GENERIC TOILET PAPER, PRANKSTERS! IT’S BULLSHIT!”
P.S. I will be humping email today for all of you who I owe emails to, because I am on strict, “rest your sorry ass” orders.
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You can find me Allison blogging about absolute nothing over at Me and Mine, WHICH, by the way, is under construction. She’ll be moving on over to a new site, with a new look, at the end of the month! Oh! And you can also follow her nonsense on twitter ~ @allisonzapata.
* * *
Greetings, Pranksters! My name is Allison and I am scared shitless.
Hi Allison!
Hey guys.
Hi Allison!
Okay, stop it. Seriously. Hi.
So, when Aunt Becky so awesomely asked me to be a guest blogger this was pretty much what went down.
A. I screamed like a little bitch.
B. I fainted
C. I puked.
After cleaning myself off, it happened.
The thoughts came flooding in.
Because the self-doubt?
I haz it, folks!
Why the hell would she ask ME to guest post?
Oh shit! She must think I am an actual writer or something.
OMG, they’re all gonna laugh at me!
I desperately tried to focus and figure out what the hell I should write.
And finally, it came to me! I would write about this mortifying little thing that happened to me in high school. Something I have been a little hesitant to share on my own blog, since I have a few teenage nieces and nephews that follow it.
It was perfect! I could share it with all you pranksters without looking like Aunt Ho to the fam.
I sat down at my computer, with a vat of wine, and began to type away.
And this is what came out.
* * *
When I was 16 17 years old, I snuck my boyfriend into my house while my mom was sleeping.
I drunkenly marched him right passed my mom’s room and into my own.
After explaining to him that we needed to hide on the floor on the other side of the bed in case my mom walked in, we proceeded to make awkward teen love. You know the kind? With all the weird noises (see: stirring mac n’ cheese sound. eww. sorry. barf.), the not knowing what to do with “it”, the “Oh no, I am so not ready for THAT. Well, okay, go ahead. Because if you leave me? I. will. die.”
After we were finished 30 seconds later, Juan Doe (I grew up on the border) asked me where he should put his used condom (HOORAY FOR SAFE CHILD SEX!) and I was all, “Just put it in that half empty coke can next to my bed.”
Because really, WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
Besides everything.
* * *
So, after getting to this point in my story, I got stuck.
“I mean, really Allison, this so isn’t that funny. And so not worthy of the Prankters. Gah! You are such a loooooser”, said one of the voices in my head.
I slammed my MacBook shut and turned on the TV, telling myself I shouldn’t force it. That it would come to me.
After apologizing profusely to my MacBook, for being so rough with it (and not the good kind of rough), I french-kissed it a bit and caressed it in all the right places. Satisfied that we were all good, I gently closed it and turned my attention back to the television and The Bachelorette.
Oh Ali Fedotowsky!
As per usual, my ADD mind began to wander.
What if I were on a reality show?
I could SO be the next Bachelorette. I mean, if I wasn’t all married and shit.
I can see it now.
Oh hey, Roberto! They have a great day planned for us. First, we are going to ride in a helicopter and then we get to be in a Broadway show. And, well, while all this sounds really cool in theory, I hate helicopters and flying in general and moving and all that stuff. And I really hate dancing and singing in front of live audiences, especially since I can’t dance nor sing and also because I hate being around humans that don’t live in my computer or in my television. And seriously, I pretty much hate leaving my house at all. Getting dressed in normal clothes, brushing my hair, my teeth, all of it! Just UGH! It’s all such a drag my little Robertito. So, I was thinking, how’s about you and I just stay right here in our pajamas lounge wear and eat some of these here funny brownies I paid some guy for baked and drink some wine and watch stupid shit on TV? Hold me.
Annnnnd scene.
Snapping back into reality, the panic of not letting you Pranksters down came flooding back. Like a bitch.
I sat and looked at the crap I had just written.
I. Was. Stuck.
Sigh.
Annnnnyhoo, I thought about asking Aunt Becky if I could take her up on this awesome offer another time. After my mojo returns.
After junk punching and water boarding myself for having such a stupid thought, I reached for my laptop and tried to focus.
And this is what came out.
* * *
“I kicked Juan Doe out of my house after all the teenage awkward sex-like stuff went on. Slowly locking the door behind him, I crept back to my room and dove into bed. I laid still for some time, making sure my mom hadn’t heard us or the sound of his big ass sub-wolfer when he drove away. Confident that I was in the clear, I breathed a deep sigh of relief and passed the fuck out drifted off into sweet, sweet slumber.
I woke up around noon the next day (ahhhh, the life of a teenager) to my mom washing dishes in the kitchen. Feeling like a monkey shit in my mouth while I was sleeping, and so thirsty I could not speak, I walked to the fridge to grab a Coke.
I plopped myself down on a stool and began chatting with my mom as she washed dishes. Her back turned towards me.
She was in such a good mood, so I was confident she had no clue about the skankiness that had just gone down in my room the night before.
And then? It happened.
She explained to me there was this new thing called recycling that would totally help the planet. And I was all, “Sounds awesome mom, anything for Mother Earth, you know! Go rainforest!”
We continued to chat….
And she continued to empty out the Coke cans she had collected, from ALL OVER THE HOUSE, into the sink to prepare them for, how you say? Recycling.
The second I realized what was happening, I ran over to her. I got to her just as she grabbed the remaining Coke can and began emptying it into the sink.
IN SLOW MOTION, the condom came rushing out with the flat, syrupy coke.
SPLAT!
Right in the sink. Both of us staring at it. Slack-jawed.
My super amazing mother looked at me and said, “I’m not sure I like what Juan Doe does with his Coke cans.”
I ran to my room and locked the door. Terrified.
The next day she drove me to the vagina doctor and I was put on the pill.
* * *
Then? I was stuck. Again. I couldn’t think of a single funny one-liner to wrap it up, all nice and purdy. No witty way to end the story.
Nothing. Nada. Zip.
I was back to stupid square one.
What in the hell am I gonna right about?
And guess what? I never thought of anything. I have had like three effin weeks to try and impress you lovelies and I totally blew it. Hard.
I suppose the only thing left for me to do is beg for forgiveness from all you guys and from the magnificent Aunt Becky.
You’re a kiss ass, GAH!
Anyway, I promise if you all give me another chance, one day when my mojo returns, I’ll do better.
And also? Thank you SO MUCH for not throwing tomatoes at my face.
Carry on Pranksters. Carry on.
Huge hugs and major gratitude,
Allison
All I can do is laugh. And praise the good Lord that wasn’t me! Gah, why couldn’t you just do it in the car under a bridge and get caught by the cops like the rest of hillbillies.
Oh I was caught that way, too. Whole other story, sista 😉
Oh I love this Guest Post of wonders! Thanks!
Now, I am middle age (42 is the Awsome Year Of My Life) and my own daughter is 16. I must say, she is way cooler than I ever was!
1) One day, as I was doing laundry, she casually mentioned she is on the pill now.
b) Another time, when I had spent the night with my new love (Yes, I divorced **before I met him! What kind of a woman do you think I am???), she and her love apparently spent time in my double bed – the rubber was disposed of safely, I never found it, but the wrapper was there. As she wasn’t home just then I just ‘dropped’ it beside the waste basket in **her room.
Why is that all cool? I hear you ask – your little girl is having The Sex!??!
To me, she is perhaps young (but older than I was) she uses pill AND rubber – sensible!!, and she let me know – awsome.
/M
exactly!! you’re a good mom! Not like I would have stopped doing it had she handled it differently!
Thanks for sharing 🙂
That girl deserves a major pat on the back for being so damn smart. Or is it that she’s terrified of getting pregnant? Hmmm. Whatever! She’s playing it safe and that’s all that matters! Major major props to her.
That was some funny shit! Way to get caught!
Oh, and Hi Allison!
HI!! Thank you!! Nice to meet you 🙂
LOVE LOVE LOVE the story!!! Growing up with what we thought were our secrets, definitely weren’t!!!!! Parents knew everything like if they were in our lives without being physically there!!! Allison ur blog was GREAT!!!
thank you so so so much 🙂
Hi Allison *waving madly* – I don’t know what you are worried about because that’s funny as hell.
THANK YOU SO MUCH!! I mean, its not like I am sitting here waiting to see if anyone comments 😉
Oh Allison – you’re just as awesome on Aunt Becky as on Twitter.
Now let’s all pause for a moment for that visual.
You’re welcome.
thank you thank you thank you for being so nice 🙂
I would have died from mortification. Is that a word? It is now.
I did die. and that’s so a word. 🙂
Very funny and awesome (okay for you, probably awkward) story! You’re an awesome guest poster!
Thank you Rys!! 🙂
“Stirring mac n’ cheese sound”
Sorry, I’m dead from laughing now.
bwhahahahahahahhahaa! yay for another sick mind *hi5*
May I add to the list of sound effects?
How about those lovely, ummm, “varts”? Yooooouuuu know what I mean! Sex is so messy and ridiculous ;D
I can’t get that sentence out of my head “stirring mac n cheese sound” I DIE!!!!
Your post was funny and touching (your mom was awesome). Ideal for Aunt Becky’s blog. Good title, too.
thank you!! my mom handled it amazing! and we never spoke of it again. 🙂
Well done! I had a good belly laugh to start my day!
thanks! and I heart hippies 😉
That was awesome. Thanks for the giggle.
thank YOU for reading 🙂
Thats some seriously funny shit right there! Thanks for the laughs, great way to start my morining…and good for you mom for making sure you didnt turn her into a granny!!
Thank you!! Yes! It was 15 years later that she became one. PHEW!
Oh, Allison. Have faith in yourself! Because “I’m not sure I like what Juan Doe does with his Coke cans.” is the most hilarious mother-line EVER.
hahahaha! thank you 🙂
Hi Allison! You totally didn’t fail at guest posting. That was fucking hilarious, and totally made my shit-tastic day soooooo much better!
and YOUR comment just made my day so much better! thanks!
Awesome! Your mother must rock!
she totally rocks!
I felt bad for you, reading the story, because I had my mother convinced I was a virgin up until I had to pop it on her that I was 3 months pregnant and going to be a teenage mother. 🙂 You rocked the guest post! No sweat. I would have shit myself and farted a little bit trying to guest post.
thank you!!! lots and lots o’ love!
That is too funny… Hey atleast you didnt drink the coke…
oh thank god. at least she didn’t drink the coke! haha
I am really enjoying Aunt Becky in Bat Country.
Allison, I did not laugh. I did, however, have to resist the urge to vomit. CONGRATS!
Oops, there it comes again.
Oh, right…what I meant was “did not laugh” at you in a mean, “You are not Aunt Becky what are you doing here and why do you think you can write” kind of way. Sorry, it came out all wrong the first time.
lol i was like “dayyyyum” 😉 thank you!!
Girrrl, if I was yo mama, I would have had you return that condom to that boy in front of his mama, then I would have lectured the two of you to death, hopefully with his mama’s help.
oh we totally got lectured…and then went out and found another place to do it.
Great recycling story. But what’s more? You totally peeked inside my head with the “what if I were on the Bachelorette” story line. I totally want to be a person who wants to do things like ride in helicopters and be on Broadway, but truthfully I’m a person who wants to read, eat fried chicken, and hang out in front of the TV. That’s my idea of a good time. Not great reality show material. Oh, well.
I think we are awesome reality show material 😉 thanks for reading 🙂
OMG I would have died, but your mom sounds pretty cool, OMG I am still embaressed adn its not even me! LMFAO
she handled it so well!! and I totally died! 🙂
Pure brilliance woman!!! At least your mom caught you at having real sex. My mom busted me pounding the hell out of my pud to a 20-year-old Playboy magazine.
Loved your post!
bwhahahahahah thanks for putting that image in my head dude!
thank you 🙂
you need to blog about that!
I once walked into my brothers room to find him passed out with his pants down and his hand around his pecker. And HELL YEAH I took a picture.
Unfortunately it was the 80’s and well before digital cameras and our pharmacist was a family friend and wouldnt give me the picture. He did congratulate me on my way stealth blackmailing techniques though. He has sisters too!
THAT is hysterical!!… now to get the image out of my head…..arrrghhh
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by WhyIsDaddyCrying, Allison Zapata. Allison Zapata said: (YES! I am going to pimp myself out all day! I got to guest blog for @mommywantsvodka) /Mommy Wants Vodka http://bit.ly/aendBG […]
I am pretty sure I peed myself twice reading this. *checks* Oh wait…three times. I should always pee in advance of reading your posts because, well, I laugh a little too hard. Even guest ones. This made my day.
thanks! and hi new twitter friend 🙂 just followed you!
HAHA awesome story, even if you screwed up the closing! 🙂 The bachelorette side story made up for that!
Awesome guest post.
THANK YOU LOTS!! XOXO
I loved it! Great story, Allison. The best part was the macaroni and cheese description. I may never look at it again and not think of having my high school boyfriend’s finger(s) jammed up my crotch. Those were the days.
thanks roomie!!! hahaha! xoxo
HA! That was awesome. So hilarious. Well done! Come back soon, ya hear!
Thank you!!
That’s some funny shit Allison! You and your mom are both awesome!……”i’m not sure i like what Juan Doe does with his coke cans……..” — hysterical!
hahahaha! thanks 🙂
I die. And laugh. And then die again.
Please come back to life again 🙁
thanks for reading 🙂
Allison… you rock. Thanks for the great story and a good laugh! I don’t think anything that mortifying ever happened to me, so I’m all “hmmmmmmm” when people ask me to share an embarrassing story. But I would so be your stand in for the broadway show. I love dancing in front of people, though I don’t think anyone in their right mind (or left one) would pay to hear me sing. S’all good. Nice job.
I would absolutely pay to see you dance and sing!! 🙂 THANK YOU FOR BEING SO NICE TO ME!
You’re totally welcome. But WTF…. at the end of my comment I gave you a “smacks ass”, you know like they do in football? It got deleted. I guess the triangle bracket thingies don’t work in comments. Oops. Anyway – consider your ass smacked.
Just to make you feel better, I will share my generic toilet paper story with you, which I’ve been too shy to blog.
I bought some shop brand stuff, not from my usual shop, and it sheds! Which is annoying by itself, but what with me being eight months pregnant, I can’t see how bad the shedding is and if I’ve removed it all, so I have to go check in the mirror. All I can say is, it’s lucky everything’s swollen.
TMI, just for your birthday. I hope I didn’t creep you out too much.
MY toilet paper shed today, too!! But, I can see my vagina! Thank you so much for sharing & reading 🙂
That post made me so happy. I’m not sure why the rubber/sink/Coke can image filled me with joy, but the point here is that your post rocked, Allison and is not that I have issues. Also, LOVED the date description. I like Broadway shows, but why would I want to watch one with an undoubtedly inarticulate straight guy?
I’m so glad my story made you smile 🙂 (weirdo – haha! jk!)
VAGINA DOCTOR! waaaahahaha!!
HAHAHA! 🙂
I really enjoyed mac n’ cheese…but now? Well…at least we have the memories.
HYSTERICAL! My mom once walked in on me having sex, w/my boyfriend (like how I had to qualify that?)and pretended it never happened. HA! At least it wasn’t yer dad, right?
HAHAHAHAHHAHA! she pretended it never happened! hhahahah hilarious! thanks for reading 🙂
ROFL! Not to worry Allison. You had me at “Juan Doe” *dies laughing*….
And Aunt Becky – Prednisone??? That stuff is NASTY! You have my deepest sympathies if they’re making you take that nastiness. But hopefully it will quickly kill whatever you need killed. *hugs*
hahahaha! 🙂
I confess, I laughed at you. But totally in a GOOD way. For realz! Personally I think the Coke can was rather a good idea. It’s just that damn recycling that’s the problem. Stupid environment wanting to be all taken care of.
I thought it was a good idea, too! stupid earth *walks away kicking can*
thanks! 🙂
I must say that THAT is some funny shit. I mean we (him) left a condom wrapper on the table once by accident but not the actual thing! Of course this might have been before recycling was invented.
boys are dumb. xoxo
Oh babe (may I call you, babe?), you had NOTHING to worry about. I laughed all the way through, except when I almost vomited thinking that you were going to tell us that you DRANK from that can the next morning. You are my kind of snarky woman. Rock on!
Awww, thanks very much! And you can call me anything you wanna call me 😉 xoxo
Cracked me up. So happy I’m not the only one that wins so much at concentrating. I thought for sure you were going to say you drank the coke the next morning (triple eww). The ending made me happy even without the bow!
thank you so much for the sweet words 🙂 XOXO!
Test
testes testes 1,2,3
Allison, you are certainly full of the awesome. The push from Aunt Beckster nudges you on up to a whole nother level, but you’re up there on your own! I love great stories that combine awkward sex (mac and cheese!) and recycling and understanding parents. Rock ON!
Thank you so much!! 🙂
At least you didn’t…
No wait. There’s no “at least” in this story.
Just pointing and laughing…
*aaaaaaaahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa*